Squee! Glee! My new motto: “I squee for Glee!” I want that on a t-shirt. I’m so excited Glee is back! I watched it twice last night. Thank you, DVR! Okay, enough gushing, it’s time for the recap.

The episode starts with Rachel and the other glee club members walking down the hall at school, giddy over their win at sectionals. Their glory is short-lived, however. A group of jocks (read: haters) throws blue slushees in their faces. How rude! Some people just don’t appreciate good music.

At the principal’s office, Mr. Schuester is shocked to learn that Sue Sylvester has been reinstated as the coach of the Cheerios. I have to disagree. She may be evil, but she’s also hilarious so I can’t say I’m too upset that she’s sticking around.

Finn’s internal monologue is great. It shows that even popular teenage basketball players have insecure moments. It makes me look at the guys at my school in a whole new light. Hmmm, maybe I’ll be nicer to them.

Mr. Schuester gives the glee club its assignment–to come up with a fresh number with the word “hello” in the song title. There are actually quite a lot of these. Lionel Richie has one and so does Christina Aguilera. Hers is a seldom heard number that was used in a Mercedes commercial in Germany. See? You learn something new every day!

Cut to Emma’s office and Mr. Schuester tries to kiss her, then suggests going on a real, proper date. He says he’ll cook. What a sweetheart! I wish he was my glee club teacher. Sigh.

Back at evil headquarters, Sue is recruiting cheerleaders, Santana and Brittany, to take down Rachel by going after Finn. This is so Mean Girls. I think Sue Sylvester tried out for the glee club at her high school, but she didn’t have the singing chops to make it so now her goal in life is taking down her high school’s glee club. That’s the only explanation I can come up with.

Finn sings “Hello, I Love You” by The Doors and he totally nails it! I love he and the band just launch into a perfect rendition without even rehearsing. That’s talent, ladies and gentlemen. He has a really good singing voice. No wonder all the girls are gaga over him. After his performance, Brittany and Santana ask him out on a date. And of course he can’t resist two cheerleaders. Typical, so typical.

In the next scene, Rachel basically professes her undying devotion to Finn and he…dumps her. God, this is so heartbreaking! Honestly, why do people pick the most vulnerable times to trample all over your heart? He dumps her and then he has the nerve to flirt with the cheerleaders right in front of her! The nerve of some people. But Rachel sees this as the perfect opportunity to sing “Gives You Hell” by The All-American Rejects. You can really feel her anger. I think Finn’s shaking in his chair. Owned!

At the local music store, Rachel runs into Jesse St. James of Vocal Adrenaline. He shall henceforth be known as JSJ. Anyway, they sit at the piano in the store and JSJ starts playing “Hello” by Lionel Richie. That was an obvious choice, but it’s still a really good duet. Can’t you just see the love blooming between them?

Meanwhile, Finn is on his date with Brittany and Santana. These girls are truly evil. They send back their food even though they ate most of it and ask for new entrees. Um, yeah. Then they start listing the hottest guys in school and declare that Finn isn’t really that hot all while he’s sitting right in front of them! Sheesh. It’s like every evil cheerleader in the history of the world has been concentrated into their skinny little bodies.

Love is definitely in the air. Mr. Schuester’s on his date with Emma at his place. They’re dancing to Neil Diamond’s “Hello Again Hello”. They’re so cute together. I hope they make it work.

Back at school, Finn wants to get back with Rachel after his disastrous date with the cheerleaders, but Rachel’s not having it. She’s totally into JSJ now. Take that, Finn! But wait, looks like there’s gonna be some trouble: The cheerleaders tell Sue about Rachel’s budding romance with JSJ. How do they know everything?

OMG, it’s Idina Menzel! She. Is. Awesome. She plays the coach of Vocal Adrenaline, Miss Corcoran. Mr. Schuester tells her that he thinks they’re spying on his glee club because JSJ is wooing Rachel. Next thing you they’re making out on his couch–that was quick! Later she gives him her number. Damn, Mr. Schuester’s on fire!

The other glee club members confront Rachel about her thing with JSJ and tell her she better dump him or they’ll all quit glee club. Guilt trip! To be honest, I don’t really trust Jesse. He’s too cute and charming to be trusted, you know?

Now it’s Sue’s turn to threaten Rachel, but she takes a different approach. She tells Rachel that if she doesn’t date JSJ, then she’ll be doomed to be single forever. She rounds up the school’s perpetually single misfits as examples. Rachel freaks out. Why can’t people just let her date who she wants?

Back at the Schuester’s place, Emma is setting the table for dinner when Mr. Schuester’s ex-wife, Terri, comes in. AWKWARDNESS. Is it just me or is everyone on this show hell bent on destroying everyone else’s love life? Words are exchanged then Terri drops the bomb: She tells Emma that the Neil Diamond song was their song in high school. Did Mr. Schuester recycle the same song for his relationship with Emma? That’s not the kind of recycling he should be doing.

Rachel asks JSJ if he’s really into her or if he’s just playing her. He lays on the charm pretty thick and says that he’ll never hurt her. Never say never! Is that Miss Corcoran watching them from the wings? I told you this whole thing was suspicious!

Emma confronts Mr. Schuester about his song recycling. I mean, it’s the ultimate betrayal! Especially, if you’re a glee choir instructor! They agree to spend some time apart. Everyone’s breaking up. This is not making me happy.

Finn is still trying to get back with Rachel. She rejects him, but he says he doesn’t “give up that easy.” Maybe he should just take the hint. The episode ends with the glee club singing “Hello Goodbye” by The Beatles. Best show ever.

Next week is the Madonna episode!!! It’s pretty much guaranteed to be epic. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited. I love Madonna. I love Glee. It’s a dream come true!